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I'm a wanderer, what can I say.

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love and blessings.

Eyes wide open...

Life is at hand. Yesterday I took a few necessary steps to get ready for everything that I ave been planning. I am leaving home, and as scary as it is, I know that it is what I am supposed to be doing. As hard as it is to have to make sense of it for everyone else, I know that in the end they will see the results of the entire situation and hopefully be happy for me. Lately, I find myself struggling to just keep my chin up while I am here. I never can tell anymore if the problems and disagreements I face are my own fault, or if I am simply misunderstanding and being misunderstood. All I do know is that I am slowly being stripped of all the people and reasons that were keeping me here, and it is another sign and reassurance for all that I have planned. My family proves to me every day their inability to understand and cope with life issues, weighing down upon me with their incessant need for reassurance as parents, etc. I am in all ways a daughter, but too often they put themselves first at the expense of others.

I want everything I can possibly have. I desire to exhaust my potential and stretch my boundaries. I want my life to be revolutionized and led by something greater than mortal minds can fathom. As a result I think others see folly in my mindset, they seem to look at me with only the physical and tangible in mind, never stopping to delve and ask questions. I feel so unpursued at times, left alone with dreams and desires that have shaped me so intricately. Assumptions from others press against me from time to time, leaving me cornered, doubtful. But I must believe in myself, I must remember my own found truths and certainties. Perhaps those I have come to hold dear will never really understand, and as much as I long for them to I can only do so much if they hold presumption over my head.

Again, my impassioned self leaves others grappling to understand the wonders that I submit myself to. The dreams and desires that God has given me are too brilliant, to intricate for me to ever describe them. I know that I am to be raised above the standard, never settling to be like the rest or held back by the superficial things of the world. Though I seemingly have little, I feel the strength of possessing every tool and object necessary to achieve what I ought.

unpursued

exasperated, book shut,
she packed her things and left.
no two glass doors opened
with more remorse than those.
too far behind he followed
seeking of some sort of goodbye.
but she was out of sight,
too far, too late,
and he didn't continue
the rest of the way to the platform.

Sigh, sigh and sigh again

There comes a point when you think nothing else could possibly to awry and just as that thought passes through your mind, something does. I'm not stranger to battles but with each new wave of onslaught I am no more prepared. There is so much to living, to be alive is an easy task, to do so with grace and ease is not so simple. Between the physical and the mental, just existing can really be a pain.

I resolve to remember one thing, and that is the reasons. I keep in mind the fact that I have a God ordained purpose and that nothing can or will defeat God ever; as long as I keep my sights set on those things he set before me I can be pushed and pressured and warred against, but in the end I will always win. I am not alone, even if I feel so.

its hot...i'm tired...and frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn...((say ditto and get it over with))

I don't know the words, the speech to give to my emotion...

...the feelings I don't have, that I can't feel. The null and void, the quiet lull of something unrequited. Whatever it is I am waiting for I don't know...but I will, and I do; its always the same and its wonderful, its good, its comfortable. Someone, reach beyond the norm...stretch against the walls of the everyday, remove the walls; see me like I see you, need me like I need you: insatiably, entirely, always. The limits of love should be non existent, but I'm an idealist in that...aren't I?

I could want something else, someone different, a little bit more than I've got right now... I could walk away, succumbing to another search for something I don't think I'll ever find again, but I don't want to. Perhaps I need to become satisfied, perhaps I should rest on the boundaries with the masses, catch the band wagon and head south where everything is pleasant...but without passion.

I've reached question, which is more formidable: one side of love in constant motion and the other at complete rest, or both resting.

I think that latter, or at least that is what the moments relevant to this jumble of syntax has led me to feel.




disclaimer: as per usual, the way I feel probably isn't in any way tangible...my emotion has an apparent habit of being wrong.

subject not needed

I feel a refreshing ability to just be real; not necessarily because anyone wants to know, or even that I have a particular desire to open up. Moreso, because if I don't, the part of me that must write, that breathes through the syntax and conjugation of that which we call the sentence, would surely wither away in neglect if I do not.

As of late I have not been myself. That is not to say that I have been out of sorts, really I believe myself to be changing, as always. We truly do change everyday in minute, small sorts of ways, but when at some point you begin the epiphonous process of discovering something new about yourself, it can be rather scary.

I find myself fighting my current place in life. I am aching for the things set before me, dying to just catch a glimpse of the future that I have such mass amounts of blind faith in. I cannot see it, but in every sense of the word I can feel my destiny, my callings, people even, fusing themselves to my very bones. To be bonded to things in such a manner is intensely bittersweet: knowing what lies before you and knowing still that you must wait, that you must stand firm, patiently and wisely living until those days to come do in fact come.

So in response to these overwhelming sensations I can see myself being restless...I see myself acting in ways unsatisfied. I fight, I pull, and I push, wanting to be heard and understood. I find myself not only being stretched, but myself stretching the walls around me. The people, the places and the circumstances are weighing down upon me, or perhaps, I am weighing down upon them.

...and still, the one chasm I'm desperately trying to close still seems to be vicariously opened.

trust, my sincerity, and doubt

To trust. To have confidence in the integrity, the strength, the ability of another. To know without reservation that someone will always do their very best to make the decisions the utmost of their capability. For many, it is necessary to fight and earn such a thing; but often it can be simply expected within a certain relationship. Those who are closest to us, who have spent their entire lives knowing, learning and even shaping us often need no prompt to be sure of our nature. Trust is, in truth, a very fragile thing. It can be betrayed on two levels: it can be broken or it can be insincere, or absent. Both require intention subversive and somewhat deceptive behavior. It is a very versatile thing, dependent upon the parties and the persons involved; its depth and authenticity can fluctuate not only due to betrayal, but because the person bestowing the trust may be at fault in their attitude or nature. Regardless, trust itself is vital, it is necessary to truly deep and meaningful relationship. To trust is to love, it is to see someone through their faults with the knowledge that their heart and core have pure motive.

I've never thought myself to be untrustworthy, subversive or sly. Quite simply, I am a terrible actress. I can hide no guilt or secret that I should not have. It isn't in my heart. I want to be known, to be seen, to be understood. I want to be able to share myself with others so that we can learn about and from one another. So often, we allow ourselves to fear the responses of others, to be leery of their opinions of us; but this can leave us stunted and robbed of so many possibilities within relationships. It is up to us to be able to open up enough to be able to trust and be trusted. There is nothing greater within relationships than openness and honesty. It is freeing. In contrast to opening up, being open to those things people feel is a gift. The ability to see people through all things, through all circumstances, is the sign of true dedication. I hope that people see me as true and dedicated.

Healthy relationships are not clouded by doubt. Having a genuine concern for the well being is something that should appreciated; however, the method of approach for concern can make or break the gesture. Including yourself in some one's life should not be done through prying or hunting. It is important to have enough confidence in a person and at the same time making yourself available to them so that they feel comfortable enough to include you in their thoughts and emotions. Asking questions, expressing concern, being supportive...those are ways to create a bond with a person. Forcing your way into their personal life will only supply you with information, pushing the person themselves farther and farther away...

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. -- George Macdonald